An Odd Life

I chose you believing I will have a better life. How come we live in a trash? You are so big, so tall, so strong but you would not lift a finger to clean up. Why do you let the little ones live in a trash? I gave up. I never want a mediocre life. But this- This is a decade of mediocrity we are creating. I will entangle myself from your dirt. From your mess. From your incapacity to create a beautiful world. I once had a beautiful world. You destroyed it. I am taking it back now.

I have visited the family of the dead. If it weren’t for the dead, I wouldn’t have come. I considered them dead a long time ago. I stopped thinking. I stopped caring because they are dead. Traditions. Culture. They made me do it.  I am not quite myself but it is for the sake of the dead. I have been dead too. Stabbed a couple of times. Stricken at the back.  Letting myself fall without anyone to catch me. It hit me hard. I died. I forgot that I died. Worse, I forgot that I once lived.  I considered myself dead. My heart beating but not giving life. I look to my right and I saw a ray of white light trying to give me life. Should I accept it and live again?

I haven’t been sleeping early the past few weeks and I dont know why. It is 2:38AM. I put on my eye mask but it is not helping at all. Why? Are there distress in my heart that I need to address?  I haven’t been myself lately. I lost my drive, my goals, my will to do more. I am angry at being with someone who is not helping me at all. Mediocre. I feel cheated when I do something more than this person give. I guess, I am tired. Honestly, I haven’t been able to pour out my emotions anymore. I block it. I accept it but I know this is bothering me. I feel so angry that it paralyzes me to move.  I feel that I have been abused. Asking me to give more than what is just enough. I remember Jesus.  He gave more without asking anything in return. But I am tired. I guess, I need to try.