An Odd Life

 If there is one thing I would wish is that my kids will not get my anger. My circumstances that made me really angry. People would not care about you unless they need you. People creates their own drama over other people's issue. They make it about them. 

I finally gave up. I vowed to stop giving. I told myself that no one will lift the trash but him. No one will cook but him. No one will wash clothes but him. No one will do everything but him. It has been years that things are thrown to my lap knowing that everything will be taken cared for. No one is asking if I can still take the burden. Everybody just assumed that I am fine taking all the dirt all by myself. Then they take all the credit. They get all the praises while doing nothing. I am just tired. I am giving up.

 I am so angry that my heart could not contain it. I burst at the simplest inconvenience. The littlest of a bad memory triggers me. So much anger. So much rage. I have been patient enough to wait for people to help me but they wont. I got tired and impatient waiting. Now I burst and really there is nothing that can be done about this. So much rage.

I chose you believing I will have a better life. How come we live in a trash? You are so big, so tall, so strong but you would not lift a finger to clean up. Why do you let the little ones live in a trash? I gave up. I never want a mediocre life. But this- This is a decade of mediocrity we are creating. I will entangle myself from your dirt. From your mess. From your incapacity to create a beautiful world. I once had a beautiful world. You destroyed it. I am taking it back now.

I have visited the family of the dead. If it weren’t for the dead, I wouldn’t have come. I considered them dead a long time ago. I stopped thinking. I stopped caring because they are dead. Traditions. Culture. They made me do it.  I am not quite myself but it is for the sake of the dead. I have been dead too. Stabbed a couple of times. Stricken at the back.  Letting myself fall without anyone to catch me. It hit me hard. I died. I forgot that I died. Worse, I forgot that I once lived.  I considered myself dead. My heart beating but not giving life. I look to my right and I saw a ray of white light trying to give me life. Should I accept it and live again?

I haven’t been sleeping early the past few weeks and I dont know why. It is 2:38AM. I put on my eye mask but it is not helping at all. Why? Are there distress in my heart that I need to address?  I haven’t been myself lately. I lost my drive, my goals, my will to do more. I am angry at being with someone who is not helping me at all. Mediocre. I feel cheated when I do something more than this person give. I guess, I am tired. Honestly, I haven’t been able to pour out my emotions anymore. I block it. I accept it but I know this is bothering me. I feel so angry that it paralyzes me to move.  I feel that I have been abused. Asking me to give more than what is just enough. I remember Jesus.  He gave more without asking anything in return. But I am tired. I guess, I need to try.